Excerpt from In The Absence Of You
It’s a strange thing to watch someone like they’re a heartbreaking movie. You’re invested. You want to bawl on the protagonists’ behalf, but in my case, I’m watching life—real life. Nadia and Bo are accompanying Zoe to the check-in at the airport. What makes my heart shatter is the boy who slinks off the bus after them.
Emil didn’t even get to say goodbye. I want to say it’s because she’s an evil bitch, but if I’m honest I think it’s because she loves him like mad. Emil is brave. He remains cocooned in the disaster of loving someone who’s hell bent on ignoring him. It’s not healthy to be this brave.
See me instead!
Travelers watch him from the corner of their eyes. Whisper to each other, wondering if it’s really him. Is it Emil, the singer of Clown Irruption? Is it? “Probably not. He has cooler hair, and why would he be here?”
He doesn’t pay attention to the onlookers as he stalks onto the curb. He enters the building, fists digging into the pockets of his jeans as he pushes through the doors. I know what he’s doing. Emil is getting a last glimpse, drinking belated sips of her even if she doesn’t reciprocate. Just—
Just the way I do with him.
I scrunch my eyes shut before I open them and give in to reality. I’m smitten, a word usually so harmless and sweet. It’s not harmless for me; if the plague gets you, you’re smitten in a way that is lethal.
Winter-cool Emil from that country bordering to Santa’s land, does he have a heart so big it burns with the insistence of a love fire?
If he does, he is squandering it; his love fire should be for me. Maybe it is, that he simply doesn’t know it yet? I pull in a breath that’s so deep my chest feels like it’s expanding for the first time. I might not have inhaled much during the days with Zoe on the bus.
“Open again?” I ask of our driver. He bobs his chin and poofs the doors wide. I’m wearing stilettos but manage a stealthy touchdown on the sidewalk. I’m not sure what my plan is. With Troy’s attention on me through the window, I’m self-conscious and in need of an excuse.
I’ll go in and buy magazines.
I tap through the front doors. Emil’s standing by a column in the middle of the room, all his focus on Zoe at the check-in counter. A teenaged girl approaches him. She’s unsure at first, but then she goes for it and speaks up. Emil nods once and signs something she holds out.
His hands go back in his pockets once she leaves. Shoulders lift and sink in defeat, and I can’t take it anymore. I walk up to him. Stroke a hand over the small of his back as Zoe walks, arm around her friend, to security.
I’ve seen him with tears in his eyes several times over the last few days. This isn’t one of those days. Emil looks shell-shocked, numb, like he can’t believe what’s happening to him. His eyes are so wide I fear his reaction once the truth sets in. Because again she’s left him.
“It’s like she’s doing it all over again,” he whispers what I think, and my heart twinges painfully. “Wow. I’d have never guessed it could happen twice with the same girl.” He lets out an incredulous chuckle. “Fuck, Aishe. She kills me.”
I slip my arm around his middle, and he accepts, a heavy hand crossing my shoulder. He pulls me in. I wanted him to pull me in. I feel better when he holds me tight, tight, like he doesn’t want to let go of me.
There’s a sob above me, puffing into my hair. I don’t look up. Silently, he lets his grief out, behind a column, in private, hiding against me and hugging me close. I lace closer around him, drawing myself in with my cheek against his chest. I close my eyes against reality, thinking only of this embrace with my love fire, of helping him let go and open to a better life.
I don’t know how long we stand like this. I don’t care, because it’s all I want. I’ve longed for this hold. I’ve missed him while he missed her. Now it’s our turn again, and I’d give him the sun if I could.
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